Wagner Writer

Phoenix resident Cody Wagner is so addicted to the new Pokemon Go app, he’s applied for a secretarial job at a Mormon Temple because it has been designated a Pokemon Gym.

“It makes sense that I work here,” Wagner said, strolling the grounds staring at an iPhone. “I’m familiar with Joseph Smith and the stone things he carved. And I consider myself a spiritual person. Also, I’m the gym leader, so I can keep tabs on the trainers here. Like this stupid yellow team.”

In Pokemon Go, players choose a team: red, yellow, or blue. Those teams battle each other for control of gyms scattered around the world. Maintaining control of a gym results in that team’s insignia appearing over the gym. Gyms can be found at museums, churches, and other high profile locations. Although the game is still new, players have already invested hundreds of hours into controlling gyms.

Pokemon Gym(Pokemon Go Gym controlled by the yellow team)

Despite the fact Wagner is the highest level Pokemon Go player in the area, Jill Banks – hiring manager at Mesa Arizona Temple – is doubtful of his credentials. “He has no prior office experience,” she said, going through a stack of resumes, most from LDS members with years of formal secretarial experience. “Under work history, he listed ‘head of Pokemon evolution at the local McDonald’s Chapter’. What does that even mean? And does he know we believe in creationism.”

When asked about his job strengths, Wagner said he is certainly qualified. “I know Excel and Word. I type really fast, especially on a phone. And I’m a total go-getter. Last week, when everyone gave up, I walked back and forth in the same ten foot circle for an hour until I caught that Nidorino. Who else would do that? And did I mention I’m the gym leader? That’s like the priest of the Pokemon world.”

On top of his qualifications, Wagner lists a love for the Temple itself as a reason for employment. “They’ll want someone who lives and breathes the area, right? Well, I walk around the beautiful grounds for hours at a time. Basically, I’m always here on campus. Especially the north side with the Kabutops.”

Mesa Temple(Wagner Protecting the Mesa Arizona Temple from the stupid yellow team)

Banks became confused with Wagner’s statement, saying, “Is that a term affiliated with another LDS sect? Either way, what about his love for the faith?”

Wagner claims he’s extremely faithful. “I’m dedicated to ridding the world of heathens. Just the other day, the red team challenged us with an Arbok. An Arbok! You remember Adam and Eve, right? I’d never use a snake here. Only holy Pokemon, like Rapidash, my little burning bush.”

A frustrated Banks asked, “A Rapid what? Is he even Mormon?”

Wagner insists he’s close enough. “I make clothes – or garments – for my stuffed Pokemon. Also, my Pidgeys aren’t allowed to mate until they’re married. And my Arcanine has four Growlithe wives. I’m perfect for this job! I feel God really wants me to work here. Wait, Mormons believe in God, right?”

As of press time, Wagner remains jobless. Still, he’s hopeful. “The Temple gym isn’t all that anymore. I mean, they hired someone who doesn’t have a single Pokemon over 100 combat points. Apparently, they’re letting anyone work there. The gym in Scottsdale is where it’s at now.”

By Scottsdale, Wagner is referring to the Pokemon Gym located at Whole Foods.

“I can totally stock groceries or spray the lettuce.” At that, Wagner began stroking his phone. “And I bet they’d love to have me there protecting the plant Pokemon.”

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