Phoenix resident Cody Wagner, author of The Gay Teen’s Guide to Defeating a Siren, is convinced a Tweet to JK Rowling will launch his entire career and make him an overnight success.
“The thing about tweets,” Wagner said, “is you always read them. When one of my 84 followers sends me a message, I notice it no matter what.”
Despite the fact JK Rowling has over 6 million followers, Wagner is convinced his message won’t go unnoticed. “My book is gay and Dumbledore is gay. JK, or Jo – I better get used to calling her by her first name – loves gay stuff. Besides, my friend Ryan always retweets my book messages and he’s so lazy, he digs chips out of the couch. Jo Jo is way more disciplined.”
Wagner then navigated to Rowling’s Twitter page. “I scrolled through, like, 50 tweets,” he said, “and nobody mentioned their book. This is low hanging fruit, people!”
After realizing those 50 tweets were sent within the last 12 minutes and Rowling receives over 5 thousand a day, Wagner gripped his mouse. “Oh. Well, I’m sure none of the others are gay enough.”
Although The Gay Teen’s Guide to Defeating a Siren is his first novel and Wagner has sold only 13 copies to family members, he remains confident in his bold marketing skills.
“Both teenagers who read my book loved it. Jo will, too. One reply from her is going to send Twitter into a frenzy!” Wagner then nodded, deep in thought before gasping, “I’m going to be on Ellen!”
After answering fake interview questions for twenty minutes and pretending to sign a movie contract, Wagner arranged his Harry Potter books for a Twitter photo. “I want to show her I actually own her books. There’s like this author code that if someone buys your book, you have to buy theirs. I own seven of hers so, yeah.”
Giving a few final adjustments, Wagner placed his book on top for the final image:
“Oh man, the Potter books are dirty,” Wagner said, flicking what appeared to be a Fruity Pebble off the spine of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. “Eh, seeing them dirty, she’ll just know they’re well-read.”
Following the picture-taking, Wagner sat down at his computer and began crafting “the perfect tweet”.
“I just need to thank her for inspiring me,” Wagner said. “People eat that stuff up. Then I mention the gay thing and I’m golden.”
As of press time, Wagner’s tweet options were:
@jkrowling: Knock Knock. Who’s there? A gay book. A gay book who? A gay book you’ll really like
@jkrowling – My favorite spell is gayccio. It attracts all the hot gay guys to my book.
@jkrowling – I read you’re a giant homophobe. To prove them wrong, buy my book.
Following his Tweet, Wagner plans to move on to other “sure-fire” marketing ideas, including posting half-naked pictures of him and his book in a bathtub.