Why I’d Rather Be a Muggle

I’ve said this a couple times before, but Harry Potter was a fairly significant inspiration for my book. Needless to say, I’ve read the series several times. And, like all HP lovers, I’ve got my own thoughts and opinions on different scenes/people.

This is one of them.

Reading the title of this post, Harry Potter fans out there are probably already scoffing. Who wouldn’t want to be a wizard? they’re thinking. You can make fire shoot out your wand (did that sound like a gonorrhea ad?). And, with just use a couple words, all your dishes get cleaned (Yes, of all the spells out there, that’s one I love most).

But, for as much as we dream about magic, the wizarding world kinda sucks in a lot of ways. So many in fact, that, given the choice, I think I’d choose to remain a muggle.

So get ready to make fun of this squib and read why it’s better to be a muggle than a witch/wizard:

Research

Remember the excruciating process of finding books from a card catalog? You’d go up to a litte box, pullout a rack of cards, then go searching thru them. And those only led you to a book that may or may not contain what you’re looking for (if it’s even there at all). I swear I spent more time looking for stupid books than doing actual research.

Guess what? In the wizarding world, that’s what you’re gonna do. All. The. Time.

Need info on a wrinkle-reducing potion? Gotta go find it in a book. Want to learn how to make robes self-pleated? Have fun searching the card catalog for that.

Although wizarding books are alive and cool-looking, they still suck. Finding anything on anything is about impossible. Despite his procrastination, Harry looked for hours and hours on how to breathe underwater. That seems like a pretty darn common magical thing and no one – not even brainiac Hermione – could discover how to do it promptly.

If Wizard Google existed, Harry could have looked it up the night before and received “4,038,200 results on ‘Breathing Underwater'”. And everyone would be making horcruxes because that info would be all over the Wizard Internet. Along with details on how to destroy them. Book 7 would have been about 50 pages if Wizard Google existed.

Technology

Muggle Technology

Witches and wizards have photographs that move. They look at pictures that animate and wink back at them. How exciting.

What do muggles have?

Netflix. Bam. Now that I think about it, I don’t ever remember a witch or wizard watching an entire movie. They can only, like, pull old spells out of their wands and view them. #boring

The wizarding world is also still totally reliant on paper. Instead of cranking out an essay in Word, imagine trying to scrawl out three feet of parchment. Ugh. And forget about spell check. The only thing wizards get is Fred and George’s Spell-Checking Quill and it’s gonna backfire, anyway.

Also, let’s talk about brooms and flying. It sounds great on paper but OMG it would get so cold up there. And you can’t listen to music or anything. Finally, let’s be honest here: 90% of us (myself included) would vomit and sob from vertigo. I mean, you’re basically sitting on a stick hundreds of feet in the air.

Give me a car or nice plane ride any day.

Communication

Wizard communication just sucks. You essentially have 2 means at your disposal:

1. Owls. Sure, owls are really cute. But they’re just glorified carrier pigeons. They look cool, but you still have to tie a piece of paper to their leg and wait days for a response. Then they poop all over the place. How many times did we have to read about Harry cleaning Hedwig’s cage? And you have to deal with moodiness. OMG Hedwig had to be placated sooooo many times just to make a delivery. Step it up, Hedwig! You have a freaking job to do!

2. Talking in fireplaces. This is basically the most non-subtle way to communicate… EVER. Want to have a secret conversation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Not gonna happen. And you’re bound to the fireplace. That’s like having one of those old corded phones. You can’t wander the house talking to your friend. No, you have to sit there, burning up, in front of the fireplace while a floating head sits in the flames. I bet summertime conversations sucked. On top of that, you have to have a fireplace. Can you imagine all the lonely wizards and witches in Phoenix? They’re staring at air conditioning spells wishing their brother in New York could appear in the wand-generated freon.

Also imagine how much easier Harry’s life would have been if he and Sirius could have Face-timed? Or sent a text message? I’m just thinking about Goblet of Fire where Sirius hid and he and Harry communicated via owl like once every couple months. Imagine the time and headache that would have been saved if Harry’d received texts from Sirius’s anonymous phone.

In fact, Sirius would still be alive after book 5 if the wizarding world had muggle communication means:

Muggle Communication

Progress

Let’s take a look at the wizarding world 500 years ago. They used owls for letters. They used books for research. They had virtually all the same spells that exist today. And let’s look at the wizarding world now. They use owls for letters. They use books for research. They have virtually all the same spells that existed 500 years ago.

You can drop a wizard any time in the past thousand years and they’d fit right in.

Now let’s look at the muggle world 500 years ago. We traveled by horse. We entertained ourselves by throwing rocks. We pooped in buckets. And let’s look at now. We’re freaking flying and driving the world (and into space! I don’t think a wizard has ever been into space before. Why? Because it would take too long to research ‘how to breathe in space’.) We have computers and Internet and all sorts of amazing things. We can go in a toilet and it’s whisked away!

Magic has essentially crippled the wizarding world. It’s such a crutch for them that they refuse to see past their wands and progress.

In 500 years, wizards will still be tying notes to stupid birds while Muggles will send messages directly into each others’ brains.

In 500 years, wizards will still be splinching their arms and legs onto other peoples’ head during apparition while muggles will be teleporting all over the world.

In 500 years, muggles will be communicating to audiences via telepathy devices, while wizards will still use that sonorus spell. Which, let’s face it, is just a megaphone.

About the Author: Cody Wagner

Cody Wagner

Cody is an aspiring author and creator of Wagner Writer. His first novel, A Gay Teen's Guide to Defeating a Siren, was released in 2015. He has a penchant for making weird videos and writing even weirder stories. But not all. Some of his stuff is perfectly normal. He promises.

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