So I made this Facebook post about killing a scorpion yesterday. The experience was horrifying! I do NOT NOT NOT NOT handle bugs very well. When I saw the scorpion, I cussed really loud and hid behind a wall and peeked at it. There was no way I was taking my eyes of it. If I lost a live scorpion in the house, I’d have to move. So I thought and thought of a plan.

A shoe? No way! You have to get way too close.

But spray? The scorpion was in the laundry room where we keep the spray, so that wasn’t an option.

Finally, I decided on a broom. Best case scenario, I could whack at it from a distance.

My first swipe knocked the scorpion off the wall. It freaked out and started running! I screamed, turned the broom sideways, and proceeded beat it. Did I mention I was still screaming? After like five minutes I stopped. The scorpion was a pile of mush. But that wasn’t enough. After throwing down the broom, I stepped on the mush. A lot.

After posting this to Facebook, I got tons of comments and stuff. The WORST part about it was the people posting pictures of bugs to freak me out!!!

People, you don’t understand how scared of bugs I am. Therefore, to help you out, I’m including my top scariest bugs. That way you’ll know what to avoid around me.

Authors note: There is NO way I can get pics of these bugs online. Too scary. Therefore, I’m including “for-cody’s-safety” drawings. Other bug phobics should thank me.

4. Wasps

Bees really freak me out. So when you take a bee, give it mean steroids, and tell it to build creepy nests in your eaves… well, that’s a wasp and I just say hell no!

First off, they fly. That means there’s no escape. You can’t just jump onto the hood of your neighbor’s car when you see one. No, you have to like run away, swatting at nothing like crazy.

Also, WTF is that dangly thing in the back?

Seriously? Is their stinger that long??? I have no idea, but it scares the butt hair out of me.

Fear of wasps run in my family I think. Windy (my sister) was telling me yesterday that she thought she had a wasp on her. Terrified, she started swatting her arm. Well, she swatted so hard, her arm began stinging… which made her think she’d been stung, so she started freaking out even more.

Don’t underestimate our fear of bugs people.

3. Big Spiders. Oh, and webs.

I had to make the distinction here of big spiders. For some reason, those little spiders that scurry across a desk or something are really cute.

Big spiders?

I will run away like it’s in my hair, even if I saw it all the way across the room.

Big spiders are freaking fast! Have you ever tried to race one? Just imagine if Usain Bolt had 8 legs.

NO!

And then there are the webs. Isn’t the worst feeling in the entire world walking into a web you couldn’t see? Suddenly, you feel like you have spiders on you, but you can’t find them.

2. Scorpions

The freaky thing about scorpions is I’ve never seen one until I moved here.

It’s like that creature under the bed you didn’t think really existed. Until it appears in your pantry on a can of corn!!

When you realize this insanely weird, poisonous creature actually exists, it’s like finding out Candyman is for real.

And holy crap are scorpions hard to kill!

They’re huge and invincible! Has anyone experienced this? You can like whack on a scorpion and it just won’t die. I once watched a video where a scorpion was frozen in ice. Seriously, it was in a giant ice cube. The researchers left it like that for several days. Then they took a blow torch (!!!) and melted the ice.

THE DAMN SCORPION JUST WALTZED AWAY LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!

I swear that exact same thing happened to Freddy Krueger. By the transitive property of mathematics, that means a scorpion is Freddy!

1. Centipedes

Oh God. I can barely write what they’re called. 🙁

Centi…those things make me shut down.

Literally. I shut down if I see one. My body seizes up and I can’t move. And I start whimpering for help.

They are literally the scariest things on the planet.

Why?

A. Look how freaking long they are!!!! They’re wider than a shoe!!! I have this horrible horrible fear that I’ll see a long centipede. Feeling brave, I’ll step on it. Well, it’s so freaking long, I only crush half of it and the other half circles around and stings my foot!!!

IT COULD HAPPEN!

B. To make A above worse, you can’t freaking tell which side is the head or tail. Are you stepping on the icky stingy part or the harmless antennae things?

Nobody knows!

C. I’ve always heard that, to conquer a fear, you learn about that thing you’re scared of. Therefore, I went out and learned about centi-nasties. And what did I read? Well, did you know that, when a centipede stings, the flesh in that area rots?

YOUR SKIN ROTS!!!

The learning thing 10000 percent backfired when I read that. I mean…are you kidding me? Centi-things turn you into a zombie!!!

OK I have to stop writing now. I seriously feel bugs on me and need to go take a shower.

But I leave with this hypothetical:

Say you’re in the bathroom, would you rather:

A. See a giant bug (the kind you’re scared of) right next to your foot?

OR

B. Turn and, in the mirror, see a smaller bug on your back?

You decide.