Wagner Writer

About a year ago, I did a couple blog posts on weird things at antique malls. I figured it had run its course and I tried to move on.

Little did I know the antique mall wasn’t ready to let go of me. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!

The other day, I went back for the first time in awhile. And I found so much more hideous joy! Don’t get me wrong: some stuff at the antique malls is insanely cool. I practically drooled over the old Super Nintendo games people sell. But some of the items…Wow! Let’s just say this. There’s an episode of Southpark where contestants play a game called “OOH, What the Hell is That?” That title is perfect for these finds:

1. Bouillon Cubes

Bouillon Cubes

Hmmmm…I don’t know about buying groceries at an antique mall. And look at the lid. First off, it looks kinda moldy. Second, and more importantly, it’s opened!! They’re not just bouillon cubes, they’re *used* bouillon cubes. If I’d received this at Halloween, someone’s house would have been egged.

2. Flasher Santa

Flashing Santa

Hey kids, wanna see what’s under Santa’s robe?

OK my mind is probably in the gutter as the artist had good intentions, thinking, “Now Santa’s robe captures the pure magic of Christmas.” But all I see is a Santa creeping on the children. Trust me, there are no cookies and milk under that robe. Don’t be fooled, kids! Run!

3. Dogs Wearing Glasses

Dogs Wearing Glasses
Dogs Wearing Glasses

I’m not sure what the fascination is with dogs and eyewear, but I found multiple figures of dogs in glasses. The last ones are my favorite as they actually grow out of the dog’s nose. That’s some painful body mod there, folks.

4. A Penthouse Jigsaw Puzzle

Penthouse Puzzle

I don’t know… I think men are too impatient to have to assemble their own porn.

5. Janky Carousel

Janky Carousel

At first, I wasn’t sure if I was going to use this. On one hand, the carousel is mega janky. Look how the animals are broken and it’s just torn up. This thing is ratchet (did I use that properly?). On the other hand, it’s not necessarily funny or anything.

Then I saw the price:

Janky Carousel

Yes folks, that thing is $1500 dollars! I think I know what’s going on here. Some husband was like, “Sue, get rid of that thing!” Well, Sue loved her carousel and refused to part with it. So, she put it in the antique mall to appease her husband, but jacked the price up.

Smooth, Sue. Smooth.

6. Creepy Clown Santa

Clown Santa

You know how kids are afraid of Santa? Want to know how to make Jolly Old Nick even more terrifying? Put him in freaky clown makeup and give him soulless eyes. They might as well make kids visit him alone in the dark. And put him on a chair made of skulls.

7. Wardrobe Malfunction Ursula


Nip Slip!

What worries me about this is it’s a children’s toy. Ursula is going to traumatize kids for generations to come. And not just because of her evil nature.

8. Female Shepherd

Glass Cucumber

OK I don’t know what she’s holding, but it makes me feel weird. And look at her sheep! LOL! Judging from its expression, I’m now thinking it’s some kind of sheep prober. Get ready, Lambchop!


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