Wagner Writer
Top 6 Wackiest SkyMall Items

I just got back from an extremely eventful trip to Dallas. While there, I visited old friends, dorked out at old hangouts, and ate (lots and lots and lots and lots of) Thai food. 

For this post, I could talk about my favorite moments in Dallas. Maybe I could divulge all the tears everyone shed. Or give tidbits of all the interesting food I ate at the fair. Or share my adventures playing Frisbee Golf (let’s just say I wandered barefoot in the mud for Frisbees more than once).

Instead, I’m going to talk about what really mattered:

The crazy things I found in SkyMall!

I don’t fly very often, but I always have to check out the latest SkyMall when I do. Doesn’t everyone? The magazine is full of priceless finds.

By the time I reached page 10, I was like, I have to do a blog post on the craziest SkyMall items:

Baby Hammock

Babies have been without hammocks for far too long! This little contraption finally gives you a chance to share the dangling experience with your infant.

Why It’s Wacky

I know the hammock is supposed to create a natural rocking motion for your baby, but doesn’t it look like the Little Tykes Insane Asylum Playset? I swear they took a strait jacket, pushed hooks through the sleeves, and hung it up.

Also, this baby is apparently hanging, exposed, on the edge of the woods. It’s gonna rock it’s way right into a bear’s mouth.

The Skateboard Parasailor

The idea of this product is actually pretty cool – wind zipping you around on a skateboard. It would be especially effective in Amarillo, where the average wind speed is exactly 7 million miles an hours.

(SIDE NOTE: Is it just me, or is every kid’s product systematically taking the exercise out of anything?) 

Why It’s Wacky

While the idea is cool, the picture itself is impossible. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t skateboarding across a grass field about as easy as pushing a church uphill? If my childhood memories are correct, it would take a tornado whipping through the field to make that guy move even a couple inches. 

Whoa! I just had the best idea! Make a tornado shelter out of skateboards on grass. You rush into the field, stand on a skateboard, and don’t go anywhere. Safe!

Sasquatch Tree Bust

I guess the idea is simple enough: you take this Sasquatch bust and hook it to a tree.

Why It’s Wacky

While the randomness alone makes this thing crazy, the description ups the ante. First off, the item is named “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti.” I can’t help but picture myself approaching Bigfoot. I’d say hi, and he’d blush and start kicking rocks so he doesn’t have to make eye contact. He’s so shy!

Second, the Bigfoot is “painstakingly hand-painted” to look real. Painstakingly painted. I can just see the artist cooking under 150 degree lamps, sweat pouring down his face. His hands tremble with fatigue because he’s been working so long. His boss tells him to take a break. He refuses. Every brush stroke is an exercise in love.

The Grill Roomba

I’m sure most everyone has heard of the Roomba by now. It’s a motorized vacuum that moves around, cleaning carpets for you. Since it’s introduction, I’m sure tons have people have, at one time or another, thought, If only I had one for my grill.

Now the wait is over! Yep, this little contraption moves around your grill, cleaning it for you.

Why It’s Wacky

Most grills are like three or four feet wide, right? So you’re basically spending 120 bucks for something that moves around a few feet. That’s like buying a Rooma for your coat closet. Or a riding lawnmower for your flower pot. Or a pool vacuum for your bathtub.

I can just picture the grill Roomba now, zipping up and back once, then stopping. The owner would wipe a hand across his forehead and say, “Whew, you sure saved me a lot of work.” Then he’d look at the camera and say, “Thanks, Grill Roomba!”

Under Bed Light

For all you folks who leave broken glass, skates, and banana peels right next to their beds, this is the perfect gift: a light you place under your bed.

Why It’s Wacky

Is it just me or was the image taken right out of a horror movie? Can’t you just picture the clown hiding under there with his axe? Or the gateway to another world? I’ll never know because I’m not checking! If you give me a choice between wetting my bed and braving the under bed light to scurry to the bathroom, I’m gonna be washing a whole lotta sheets.

To make it more horrifying, the light is motion sensored. If that doesn’t sound so bad, let this image rummage through your brain:

You climb into bed one exhausting evening. Your favorite book is on the nightstand. Grabbing it, you read until you can’t stay awake. You set the book down and turn off the lamp. The pillow is so inviting, you emit the longest, most relaxing sigh of your life. Suddenly and without warning, the under bed light turns on…

Fashionable Galoshes

I’m not sure how they’re different from normal galoshes (big yellow plastic things), but these little puppies are supposedly the next generation of fashionable footwear.

Why It’s Wacky

The picture immediately conjures this infomercial in my head:

Running late for your wedding? Come across a nasty concrete stream? It’s a good thing you remembered fashionable galoshes. Your wedding is saved!

Wait, wait, wait. I just noticed the description reads, Splashing through puddles was never more fun. Yay! OK I have to change my infomercial:

Heading to your wedding? Come across an irresistible concrete stream full of feces and leaves? Tempted to turn away? Well now you don’t have to! Splash away in your fashionable galoshes!

BONUS – The Tetris Lamp

This is awesome. Christmas is coming. ‘Nuff said.

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