Wagner Writer

Valentine’s Day is tough.

There are just so many things to consider. What should I wear? What’s the perfect gift? Where should we eat? If you mess up just one of these things… BAM… life ruined. 


Because, being the day of love, everything is scrutinized and scrutinzed. That’s just the way love works. And the way you show someone you love him/her is to be perfect.

Sound impossible?

Normally, it might be. However, I’ve scoured the area in order to put together steps for the most amazing Valentine’s Day you’ll ever experience.

Let’s get started.

Step 1 – Find the Perfect Gift

Valentine’s Day actually starts weeks before February 14th. You have to hit the stores early to find that perfect gift. Wait til the last minute and you’ll be stuck with the rejects nobody bought (hello Stripper Pig).

To help make your V-Day shopping easier, here are a couple suggestions that can’t go wrong:

A Rock

Nothing says “our relationship is solid” like a rock. Your significant other will swoon knowing you feel the relationship can bear anything. So symbolic. So many layers. And at only $25.00, a rock will also tell your loved one that you know a bargain when you see one.

Ceramic Growth-Covered Puppies

No one wants a pure-bred anymore. They’re superficial and vain.

Today, mixed breeds are all the rage. And you can show you’re “with the times” by offering your partner an elegant set of ceramic mutts covered in fuzzy growths. Or maybe they’re mushrooms. Or Koosh balls. Either way, they spell “LOVE”.

Step 2 – Select an Impeccable Valentine’s Card

On arrival at any given store, the row of cards is soooo intimidating. How are you supposed to choose the proper card when every category under the sun exists? Should you get a “Loved One”, “Male Spouse – Funny”, or “For My Mistress” card?

Don’t fret! Here’s a selection you can be proud of:

The duality of this card is exquisite. The two silhouettes, moving toward an open-mouthed kiss, could grace the cover of any romance novel. Everyone knows that, two minutes later, they’ll be sharing a night of passion. The message on the other hand, gives a wonderful religious overtone to the love-making. Nothing goes together like sex and religion, and this card captures that sentiment wonderfully.

Step 3 – Prepare an Amazing Dinner

Forget about eating out. Restaurants are packed. You can’t even reach out to grab your loved one’s hand without elbowing nine people in the ribs. Talk about a mood-killer.

Instead, try making a delicious dinner at home. Using this recipe book, your spouse will be salivating for…ahem…dessert.

Step 4 – Create Your Mood Lighting

Although your delicious, meaty dinner is a step in the right direction, you’ll need to set the proper mood. With the passionate yet religious card, your meat dishes, and a rock, you’re almost guaranteed the most passionate evening possible. There’s just one thing missing: romantic lighting.

Lighting is a tough one. Too bright, and all sense of intimacy is dead. Too dark, and you can’t see each other lick your lips as you eat all that meat. Might I recommend the elegant lighting provided by this lamp:

With this baby (pun intended), your loved one is sure to go weak at the knees. Nothing says “a night of passion” like a toddler wearing beer.

Step 5 – Cue the Music

Once dinner is over, the mood should get even more romantic. It’s not as fun to lean in for that first Valentine’s kiss without songs of love wafting gently into your ears.

I painstakingly listened to over 3 albums and this is the one for you:

Two songs in and, trust me, Cliff’s lips won’t be the only thing getting lucky.

Step 6 – Step Into Something More Comfortable

Now that the passion is commencing, you’ll want to show a little skin. Not too much, though! Don’t give away the farm just yet.

You have a ton of options when it comes to lingerie or other sexy outfits. My recommendation? Show you truly care by weaving something on your loom:

Combine your homemade teddy with the other steps on this list and I guarantee you’ll have the night of your life.

You’re welcome.

Leave a Comment